Happy Friday homies. I'm fading into a Kuma's burger coma so enjoy your weekends on be on the look out for podcasts starting next week.
Anyhow......
6 years ago, Jessica Simpson was on top of the world. Somehow she'd parlayed a mediocre John Mellencamp ripoff single into dating one of the best looking guys in the best 2nd tier boy band of the time. She didn't know buffalo wings were made from chicken. Tuna confused her. She was on top of the world.
Well look at her now.
Yes, America collectively gasped as Tony Romo called things off with the talented (shudder) Jessica Simpson.
Seeing as how I have some free time, I decided to write a letter to Jessica documenting what I would say to her if we were ever to run into each other.
Dear Jessica,
First off, allow me to say I was a big fan of "Newlyweds." My favorite episode is when you had lasik surgery and ate at a Red Robin, because I used to think Red Robin was only for 15 year old girls and pedophiles, but that episode taught me it wasn't. And I'll always be grateful to you for that.
Sorry to hear things didn't work out with you and Tony. He seemed like a good guy...you know, for an Eastern Illinois grad. Besides, I think you're better off without him anyways. He seemed was into weird shit, like his career and stuff. Whatever.
I think you need to be worried about what's next for you. The reality TV thing was cool for a while, but it didn't work out all that well in the end for you. It did make you a star in a way your music couldn't, but it also let all of your music fans in on your little secret...you know, that you're an idiot.
It's time to get back to doing what you do best- covering songs other people already became famous with. Loved the "These boots are made for walkin'" cover. Nancy Sinatra who? You know what else I loved? When you covered "Angels" by Robbie Williams. Who else would have the gall to cover the 3rd of 4th most popular song by an artist only marginally more famous than yourself? That would be like LFO trying to make it big by covering a BB Mak song. But I've got news for you Jess- LFO doesn't have the stones to cover BB Mak.
So I think it's time you put your country music career on hold, and start covering more songs by your peers. In fact, you should kill two birds with one stone and put the good girl image to rest also. The song- "No Time" by Lil' Kim.
Think about that. If you could get Diddy to reprise his role, this could be the biggest event of 2009. It'd be the equivalent of the song "Boom Boom Pow" having sex with the premiere weekend of "The Dark Knight" in a theater serving Chili's bottomless chips and salsa.
The time is now Jessica. Even the State Fair circuit is drying up for you. You're one more bad move away from hosting happy hours with Randy from "The Real World: San Diego" at McFadden's.
It's time to show the world what Jessica Simpson is all about (and I don't mean Berlin covers).
Sincerely,
DW
Cicchetti
9 years ago
No comments:
Post a Comment