The Starter Pack

Make no bones about it- you can't half-ass unemployment. Fortunately, I have a little experience here, and with my recommendations, you too can look unemployed in no time.



The first order of business is your unemployment uniform. If you don't have a job, you don't want to look like you have a job so you need a uniform (the irony of this was I was in the city today meeting with some employed folks, which required me to wear a suit. Now ordinarily, this might make me look less unemployed but considering it was 85 degrees, the only idiots walking around the loop in suits were presumably unemployed, so it's refreshing to know I can dress nice and still come off as unemployed).

You're going to need a few pairs of sweat shorts. Nothing says unemployment more than sweatpants that have been turned into shorts. It gives off the vibe that you were too lazy to take your sweatpants off, but too hot to keep them on, so you just started cutting them up one day. Now I only have one pair of sweat shorts so I improvise by wearing them everyday. I don't think anyone has noticed yet.

In terms of shirts, nothing says unemployed like a good v-neck. It's like the undershirt's better-dressed cousin. Of course, you don't want to be mistaken for some one going for the cool, understated v-neck look so make sure you exclusively wear white v-necks. Any other color than white and you're giving off an entirely different vibe. Case in point- Ryan Atwood from "The O.C" only wore white beaters and he looked like he could have been from Chino, albeit with an expensive layered haircut (by the way, how clear is it I've been watching the Soap Channel from 2-4 most week days?).

Footwear wise, you're on your own. People used to wear flip flops because they were cheap and very available. Then they became hip, expensive, and in SNL Digital Shorts. Just don't wear uggs- I know that much.

Your weapon of choice- your computer. Inevitably, you'll end up sitting at your computer all day. Whether it be emailing potential employers, creating bogus time zapping blogs, or reading about Mischa Barton's psychiatric problems (again, I'm gonna stop watching) the computer is where you're going to do your most damage. Get a comfy desk chair, stay away from Hulu and you'll be okay.

The unemployment kryptonite is, not surprisingly, money. All of your friends are going to go out on the weekends because this what normal people do. You will want to go out for lunch during the week because you spend every waking moment on your computer. Again, very normal. And you will do all of the above things, only you will sit there upset you just spent more money when you have none coming in. This, as far as I can tell, is the biggest downside to unemployment. Doing things cost money. Money you do not have. Suddenly, it isn't always a good idea to go to Superdawg at 12 on a Tuesday (strictly from a financial standpoint; I will never say anything bad about Superdawg's food, or about the kid I saw there last night who ordered a rarely seen vanilla/strawberry swirl cone, and enjoyed it so much that he went back and got separate vanilla and chocolate cones, all of which begs the question, who double fists ice cream cones, and how little punctuation can I use in one sentence).

So the obvious answer would be to not engage in the listed activities but that's impossible. The failure to leave one's house would drive most people crazy (with the exception being Chuck Klosterman, who'd turn it into an article Spin would pay him copious amounts of money for, but I digress). My reccommendation is to stop drinking expensive tequila. Maybe you might even lose some weight like Lendale White.

So there you have it, unemployment in a nutshell. You'll probably also go to the cleaners a lot, unload the dishwasher a lot, and get sent to Whole Foods to buy turkey breast. Did you know on Thursday their rotisserie chickens are only $6?

Happy Wednesday people, and for anyone reading this at home, O.C on in eight minutes.

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