Return to Glory

My brother and I did the unthinkable last evening- we drove 6.8 miles away (roughly 20-25 minutes in the car), two suburbs over, to go to a Chili's. I know what you're thinking- Did you at least get the bottomless chips and salsa? The answer is yes.




Now like anyone who grew up in Deerfield, my relationship with Chili's is long and storied. There was the time before a 4th grade concert where Josh Altman, in attempting to order the Guiltless Chicken Sandwich, asked for the gutless chicken sandwich, sending my grandparents into hysterics (he also fell on the way out of the restaurant, sending mud up his pants, which probably would have been more embarrassing had we not only been in 4th grade, but trust me, it was still pretty funny at the time).

There was the time in junior high we got take out and when they mistakenly gave my mom corn on the cob instead of french fries, she ripped the manager a new one over the phone, letting him know why a burger and corn just wouldn't suffice (this memory narrowly beats out her driving back to Chili's in a snowstorm because in her order of fajitas they did not include her boat of salsa, guacamole and rice).

There was the time in high school our waiter inexplicably asked if we wanted ranch with our chips and salsa, and then charged us $1.50 for the ranch, not that I'm still bitter about it.

And then one day, just like that, all the memories were gone when Chili's up and left (I remember this being sometime around 2004, because I remember eating there with John Nollin and my memory tells me that such a meal could have only taken place in 2003). Forever since, a void has been left in the take-out hearts of Deerfield residents.

Sure, we had a Bennigan's and Applebee's within walking distance of Chili's, but both of those restaurants do a poor job of recreating the magic of dining in Chili's.

But out of despair, came a miracle. When I left for Champaign in the fall of 2004, I was graced with a beautiful site of seeing a Chili's in driving distance (made only mildly more disturbing by the fact it was surrunded by an Outback, Applebee's, Cheddar's and a bevvy of other restaurants all offering the same items).

And let me tell you, if you liked Chili's in the suburbs, you'll love them in college towns.

Inexperienced waiters- Check.

Uninformed hosts who provide inaccurate seating times- Check.

No Salsa consistency and each time charged a different amount for the chips- Check.

The greatness emanating from this Chili's was that it seemed as if almost all of the employees were indifferent to their jobs, willing to engage in time consuming conversations about nonsense while teaching us the Chili's shorthand, like reggae boat. No one stood out more than legendary waiter Brian. One meal alone he delivered two all-time classic lines.

1. We walk in and sit down. Brian comes over, takes our drink order, and before we say anything else, asks "Do you guys want the chips? Yeah, you want the chips!" and walks away. Veteran move.

2. After presumably eating like 3 baskets of chips, I barely made a dent in my nachos (shocking). Brian asks if I want a box. I mull the decision briefly. Ultimately, I inquire from Brian "These aren't going to be good reheated are they?" Brian says no and we nix the box. Then what happened next was out of this world. Only Brian's head emerged from behind the kitchen door, like he was a sock puppet or something, and the tone of his voice raised dramatically as he said "But they're pretty good cold!" He then laughed and retreated back into the kitchen, before emerging again with a box. Only Brian.

So it was with a mixture of nostalgia and uncertainty that my brother and I ventured back to Chili's yesterday, the first time for both of us in years really. Was the magic still there?

Check back tomorrow.


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The Starter Pack

Make no bones about it- you can't half-ass unemployment. Fortunately, I have a little experience here, and with my recommendations, you too can look unemployed in no time.



The first order of business is your unemployment uniform. If you don't have a job, you don't want to look like you have a job so you need a uniform (the irony of this was I was in the city today meeting with some employed folks, which required me to wear a suit. Now ordinarily, this might make me look less unemployed but considering it was 85 degrees, the only idiots walking around the loop in suits were presumably unemployed, so it's refreshing to know I can dress nice and still come off as unemployed).

You're going to need a few pairs of sweat shorts. Nothing says unemployment more than sweatpants that have been turned into shorts. It gives off the vibe that you were too lazy to take your sweatpants off, but too hot to keep them on, so you just started cutting them up one day. Now I only have one pair of sweat shorts so I improvise by wearing them everyday. I don't think anyone has noticed yet.

In terms of shirts, nothing says unemployed like a good v-neck. It's like the undershirt's better-dressed cousin. Of course, you don't want to be mistaken for some one going for the cool, understated v-neck look so make sure you exclusively wear white v-necks. Any other color than white and you're giving off an entirely different vibe. Case in point- Ryan Atwood from "The O.C" only wore white beaters and he looked like he could have been from Chino, albeit with an expensive layered haircut (by the way, how clear is it I've been watching the Soap Channel from 2-4 most week days?).

Footwear wise, you're on your own. People used to wear flip flops because they were cheap and very available. Then they became hip, expensive, and in SNL Digital Shorts. Just don't wear uggs- I know that much.

Your weapon of choice- your computer. Inevitably, you'll end up sitting at your computer all day. Whether it be emailing potential employers, creating bogus time zapping blogs, or reading about Mischa Barton's psychiatric problems (again, I'm gonna stop watching) the computer is where you're going to do your most damage. Get a comfy desk chair, stay away from Hulu and you'll be okay.

The unemployment kryptonite is, not surprisingly, money. All of your friends are going to go out on the weekends because this what normal people do. You will want to go out for lunch during the week because you spend every waking moment on your computer. Again, very normal. And you will do all of the above things, only you will sit there upset you just spent more money when you have none coming in. This, as far as I can tell, is the biggest downside to unemployment. Doing things cost money. Money you do not have. Suddenly, it isn't always a good idea to go to Superdawg at 12 on a Tuesday (strictly from a financial standpoint; I will never say anything bad about Superdawg's food, or about the kid I saw there last night who ordered a rarely seen vanilla/strawberry swirl cone, and enjoyed it so much that he went back and got separate vanilla and chocolate cones, all of which begs the question, who double fists ice cream cones, and how little punctuation can I use in one sentence).

So the obvious answer would be to not engage in the listed activities but that's impossible. The failure to leave one's house would drive most people crazy (with the exception being Chuck Klosterman, who'd turn it into an article Spin would pay him copious amounts of money for, but I digress). My reccommendation is to stop drinking expensive tequila. Maybe you might even lose some weight like Lendale White.

So there you have it, unemployment in a nutshell. You'll probably also go to the cleaners a lot, unload the dishwasher a lot, and get sent to Whole Foods to buy turkey breast. Did you know on Thursday their rotisserie chickens are only $6?

Happy Wednesday people, and for anyone reading this at home, O.C on in eight minutes.

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It's so hard....

Today, once again, I say goodbye to a dear friend- my unemployment beard.


In the spirit of looking for full time employment, I must meet with a couple of nice people today and it's probably in my best interest to not look homeless. So once again, two weeks of hard work (or lack thereof) go down the drain.

Unfortunately, this has left me with little time to document my unemployed lifestyle, so check back tomorrow for more unemployed goodness.

Hard to believe those Boyz II Men pants were ever socially acceptable.



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MVP of the Unemployed Game

I'm about a month into this joblessness venture and I must say, I'm pretty used to it. I have pretty much the same schedule everyday. I lead a low stress existence. I'm pretty happy.



However, this is not to say that everyone feels the same way.


There seems to be a pattern developing when I run into some one from college or high school and I tell them I'm unemployed. The standard conversation proceeds like so:

Them- "So what are you doing these days?"
Me- "Ehh, sort of in between jobs at the moment. Looking for something full-time again.
Them (half disgusted face)- "Oh. I'm sorry to hear it.
Me (Smiling)- "Nah, it's alright."
Them (Slightly reassured)- "Okay then. Well..where are you living?
Me (Almost laughing)- "I'm at home still."
Them (looking at me like I have the plague)- "Oh."
Me- "Well it nice bumping into. Maybe we can get together and network sometime."
Them- Already walked away.

This is how I would describe most of the casual run-ins I have with people I haven't seen in a while. It's weird. For a while I think people were embarrassed for me that I was living at home. Naturally, when you tell people you were laid off, they are going to feel bad for you too. But a newer trend I'm noticing is that when I tell people I have no job and live at home, they kind of react like you told them you're dying.

And while I appreciate the concern (it's flattering, it really is), there are a lot of people currently laid off. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I would not want any one else too, because there are people worse off than me. If anything, the fact I live at home and don't have to pay a lease is a blessing in my mind.

It's weird to suggest that I'm happier without having a job, but this blog has given me the opportunity to do the kind of writing I would have never been able to at my old job (it's worth nothing I didn't need to wait until I was unemployed to start a blog, but hindsight is 20/20 my friend). As I said in an earlier column, life is about taking advantages of the opportunities put in front of you. There is no better time than now for me to try to define my writing style, and further investigate what my writing is best suited for.

For the time being, I'd love to stay in advertising. The challenge to write creatively and strategically is a constant battle, and that is exciting for some one who is as competitive as I am (because let's be honest, I haven't given up my NBA dreams, but my jumpshot is streaky at best and Gar Forman won't return any of my calls).

The exciting thing about being a writer a now though is that it's really a changing industry. Print media barely has a pulse left. The blogosphere is growing exponentially. And at some point, a happy medium will be found. But really, I'm looking for any opportunity that allows me to take some of the crazy thoughts in my head and get them on paper (or at least Microsoft Word).

What's in store for me next is anyone's guess . Although I'm pretty sure no matter where I end up, I'll have more awkward encounters with old classmates. So as long as my next writing job allows me to continue to be awkward in social situations with people I haven't seen in 5+ years, I'm cool with that.



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Hater in the House

First off, allow me to say it's never a good idea to have Kuma's and Smoque in the same day. You just feel heavy. Not gross. Heavy.



But there's a reason you're getting a weekend post and it doesn't have anything to do with my eating exploits.


Here's how it went down.

My brother is in some bar in Wicker Park. Finds his friend who is talking to a girl. It turns out said girl went to Deerfield High School. My brother introduces himself, says he is probably a bit older. Girl says she knows him, and she knows me. At which point she says I'm a f*cking asshole*.

* Now it's important to realize that the girl knew she was talking to my brother. Did she not expect this information was going to get back to me? Did she just not care? Let's read on and see what else happens!

My brother, obviously a little taken back, said something to the extent of "I find that hard to believe. He seems like a nice enough kid." Or basically, the kind of comment any brother would making sticking up for his sibling**.

** Now clearly this girl did not know my brother, so was she expecting him to be like "Yeah, you're right, he kind of an ass." The sad thing is, we'll probably never know.

Said girl continues on by saying I was not nice to her in college. My brother asked if she went to Illinois. She said no***.

***We didn't go to college together. Did I snub you at Potbelly's or something? You know, you could have said hello to me also.

Girl asks my brother if I was the rush chair of my fraternity. My brother responds yes. Girl continues on saying I wasn't nice when she visited****.

****This all begs the question- was this girl, who I presumably haven't spoken to since junior high, if ever, trying to rush the fraternity I was in? Because we didn't bid any girls. We didn't even really hang out with that many girls if it got in the way of playing beer bong and listening to '97 phish shows.

So as far as I can tell, somebody I never spoke to in 7 years of school came to Champaign sometime during my sophomore campaign (saying campaign makes it sound more like my four years of college were building towards something greater than this blog) and was upset because we continued a mutual trend of not speaking to each other.

Am I upset? No. There are presumably a lot of people that dislike me. Am I entertained? Thoroughly. I hope you have room in your voodoo doll of me to stick one more pin in after you read this column.

Here's to you, hater #1001. Now play her off, Keyboard Gato.


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